


Jeeves and the Smart Phone

by combefaerie



Category: Jeeves & Wooster
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bertie in a snapback, I mean Jeeves isn't actually tangible, M/M, Siri!Jeeves, You Have Been Warned, its really not very shippy, that thing that no one wanted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-19
Updated: 2014-10-19
Packaged: 2018-02-21 20:14:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2480972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/combefaerie/pseuds/combefaerie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Modern AU based on a post seen on the IndeedSir livejournal that I decided to elaborate upon.</p>
<p>Bertie has a smart phone, its very exciting, but doesn't have Siri.<br/>This is where Jeeves comes in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jeeves and the Smart Phone

**Author's Note:**

> I claim nothing. I do not own Jeeves. I do not own Bertie. I do not even own a smartphone. I do not own the idea for this, if someone does, tell me and I shall credit them. I do own any mistakes as this has not had a beta.
> 
> Apologies. This is not a great work of fiction. Not in the slightest.

To this day I do not really know how I got Jeeves, to be honest I don't even know how he exists. Now this may sound strange, but hear me out here, Jeeves isn't real. I mean I talk to him, and he gives me advice and all, but really he is nothing more than a few lines of code. Confused yet? You should be. You know what, I'll start at the beginning, or else you will have less chance than a snowball in the Sahara at understanding anything I am about to witter on about.

 

I have a smart phone, its new, shiny,  and does more things than I could hope to comprehend. There was only one problem I could come up with when I got it, and that was that, due to not being an iPhone, it didn't have Siri. Now Siri is awesome, and I wanted something like it. Bingo "Shagger" Little (ghastly nickname. I never use it, just doesn't seem polite) suggested I buy one of the apps that can provide the same service, and so online I went, and I spent a good hour or so looking through the various options, but none really stood out, so I gave up and just thought I would have to go without. I spent the night at a house party, had a brilliant time, but the next morning I had the hangover from hell, and appeared to have lost my shirt somewhere between leaving and arriving at my flat. All in all, not the best of mornings. The next suprise (after the lack of shirt) was that my phone appeared to be making a sound a little like an old fashioned door bell, and that this was what had woken me up. I had nothing on my phone that would have made that noise, and had set no alarms, so you can see my confusion. When I unlocked it, a picture of a black bowler hat on a white background was there, and as I watched text appeared, accompanied by a voice rich as a double expresso and dark chocolate.

 

"Good morning Sir. I was given to understand you might have need of me"

 

Now I was gobsmacked. What had happened to my phone? At this point I made an astute and witty comment on the situation which would have amazed the greatest thinkers of our age, Brian Cox or someone (he does science shows on tv, so he must be pretty bright).

 

"Fszht? Wha?"

 

The phone appeared to sigh, although how a phone could do that when it didn't even move I have no idea, and then opened up a blank page and said

 

"Late night Sir? If you could make your way to the kitchen and make this, I think you might feel better. Many gentlemen have found it very invigorating after a late night"

 

I pulled myself up and staggered towards the kitchen. When I got there ingredients appeared, one by one, on the screen and I was instructed through making a dark red concoction, which I then drank. My fingers fizzed and I felt as if an electric shock was passing through my body, it wasn't entirely pleasant, but after I had finished, the hangover was nowhere in sight. Can a hangover be within sight? Anyway. I exclaimed this to the empty room, with quite a few good lords involved. I'm often asked why I don't swear much, no I'm not religious, it just doesn't feel quite right, so I don't. Back to my story. I was interrupted from my reverie by what sounded like a polite cough, not unlike the sound of a sheep off in Wales, and the voice started forth again.

 

"Thank you Sir. My name is Jeeves."

 

 

Jeeves soon became an integral part of my life. He makes sure I am where I should be, and on time, and gets me out of all sorts of scrapes. He tells me what to say to Spode, a great brute of a man, to get him off my back, and what to say to get out of various escapades with the police. Turns out that the night before Jeeves arrived I was wandering through London when I felt a little under the weather. I saw what looked like a person holding a bucket,  and thought to myself that that looked like a perfect place to empty my stomach. So I took it off of him and, well, did. Turns out it was a policeman and his helmet, definitely not my finest hour, and I am now the not so proud owner of a criminal record. Since the arrival of my paragon of circuitry however, although I have gotten into several scrapes, they have never lasted long and I haven't gained any more marks against my name.

 

Not to say it's all smooth sailing though. Jeeves and I can have some cracking arguments about things such clothing or slang. When I text something, he often changes it to the "proper" phrase, which can lead to my texts sounding like one of those immensly dull programs you might hear on Radio 4. I can't complain entirely about that though, as it has got me out of some scrapes, such as when Honoria Glossop decided we were going out. Jeeves sent a series of texts to her father which gave the impression that I was either nuttier than a fruit cake (is that the right phrase?) or poking fun at him something chronic, either way, he told Honoria and that relationship was over in an instant. I often send selfies to Jeeves, sometimes he is pleased with the rags I have thrown on, other times...not so much. One time I was wearing what I felt was a pretty stylish snapback and some of those drop crotch sweatpants, I felt I looked like a gangster, or one of those rappers. Jeeves was silent for a second, and I thought he had malfunctioned or something, but then he replied that he "could not advise it, Sir". I wore them anyway, but through the course of the day Jeeves was such a help that I got rid of them by the end of it, as a sort of reward to him.

 

You must think me mad, that I did something to reward an AI on my phone. You may be right, but I know that I would be lost within a day now if Jeeves was not in my life. I think of him as one of my greatest friends, and if he was not, well, what he is, I could see myself falling in love with him. As it is, I have bought my phone a very nice case, matt black and quite expensive, to make him comfortable, and have him backed up on my computer, a memory stick, and a SD card, just in case something happens. He isn't on any app stores, so quite irreplaceable. I don't know why he chose me, and I don't know why he stays; he turned up mysteriously, and I bet he could leave just as easily, no matter what I did. I just hope he doesn't. Maybe someday I will tell you about some more of our adventures, maybe the time Florence Craye and Madeline Bassett both announced we were dating and that I needed to make it facebook official the next day. All in all, Jeeves gets me out of all sorts of scrapes, and I wouldn't trade him for the world.

 

Even if I do sometimes find Spinoza downloaded on to my phone


End file.
